If I had to describe what it’s been like to cultivate gratitude in my life, I would say it’s been a lot of work. No, really. Shifting a shitty mindset, or one that we tell ourselves is “good” to a more positive and gratitude oriented mindset is hard. Practicing gratitude actually takes 1) Quiet 2) Patience 3) Commitment to consistency 4) Praying to God, literally.

For most of my life I thought I was grateful …

“Oh, I’m grateful for this job”
“I’m grateful for this vacation”
“I’m grateful for my family and friends”
“I’m grateful for a body that works and moves.”

Calling my own bullshit and yours right now too.

We can’t be grateful for work while also thinking really shitty things about Betty who sends the long emails, Nick that smells, or our boss that’s a f#$%ing a$$hole. No! That’s not the way it works. Words, thoughts, action and belief must meet in order to really experience and live in gratitude. Gratitude is something we cultivate; it’s not just a word or something we simply “say we have.” Maybe Betty is annoying and, sure, Nick smells, but those thoughts - even if they’re true - drag us down, change our mood and mindset. And we can’t be grateful with a shitty mindset. Period.

Am I really grateful for my body if I look in the mirror and call her “A sagging sack of loose skin?” Or if I try on clothes and say “Ugh, you’re so fat and you look horrible.” Yes, you’re right, the answer is no. If I’m grateful for my body, I can forgive myself for my story and all of my parts. I can’t be grateful and bash myself or my body at the same time.

Are you really grateful for vacation when “That waiter is such a f#$%ing idiot. How many times is he going to get my order wrong? I just want my pina colada without the cherry. I told him 2 times” or “This room is so small and not what I expected, let me complain for 6 hours to management about it.” Nope, sorry, meanie panini. You are not grateful for your luxury vacation if you’re complaining about the waiter or your room that is probably just fine. Sure, course correct your waiter and talk about the room - but in no way is gratitude mean or loud, anxious or wanting a fight.

But, sure, we’re grateful. Being grateful is a lifestyle, and I’m not telling you this because I’m perfect, but I am telling you this because I am trying really hard to watch my mouth, think of others when I use my words, and really feel love in my heart. How do you get there you may wonder? I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing. And, yes, I still have terrible thoughts. I even called my mom a chihuahua to her face last week when she lost it over something very small. Two hours before that I said “I’m so grateful for my mom.” Go figure.

Here are 3 major components to gratitude in order to live it and have it engrained in every fiber of your being. Ready to start changing your thinking?

Alignment of thoughts and actions: Being grateful means being at peace with things, even shitty things and moments where your mom is being a chihuahua. This means you RESIST not only calling her a chihuahua but you also RESIST pulling up GIFs of angry dogs and showing them to her. This also means if she does irritate you, you don’t now think in your head “She’s such a f#$%ing chihuahua!” That won’t work, your thoughts and words have to be in alignment.

Forgiveness is key: Let’s say your mom is on your last nerve and you know she has baggage and you have baggage, part of cultivating gratitude is forgiving people for who they are and their stories and also forgiving yourself for your mistakes and reactions.

Compassion is a component: Sure, mom may be a chihuahua, but your mom is also a human being who is flawed and has a story - give her a pass and think about how it feels to look at her and see her; not just a woman who doesn’t or hasn’t given you all that you need. See people as their whole, not just as you wish they were.

So, how do we cultivate gratitude? Here’s how I cleaned up my act, maybe you will too. Not saying you have to do it all, but you can pick one and start there. Begin with whatever feels easiest to make your shifts.

Whip out that journal: Put a pen to paper and jot down 3 things you're grateful for in the morning and then, again, in the evening. Or you can try writing a note to yourself about your day, something you’ve realized or would like to work on/change. Giving yourself time to reflect is a key to gratitude. Stop being so busy, geeze.

Pray: Ask the universe, God, angels or whomever is bigger than you and Betty at the office, for help. Just say - help. We all have gunk in our heart that we need help with, don’t hold it in, ask for help with it, in silence or with words. When we pray, we release faith and when we start building faith and seeing the results of it, we realize how much there is to be grateful for.

Meditate: This doesn’t have to be fancy. And you don’t need a sunrise, sunset or a special mat or pillow, you only need to sit with yourself. Use your chair or a bed, even. You don’t have to sit in silence for an hour or do anything extreme. 5 minutes or a quick 15 minute Deepak guided meditation can set the tone for framing your day so that you go into it calmer and more in peace. And when we are calm and in peace, we’re more intentional, kinder, less likely to implode and more likely to feel gratitude. Mellow out, dude or dudette.

Think about someone other than yourself: Go sign up to volunteer, donate items in your home that you no longer use or need. When we give our time or see others in need we stop to appreciate what we have and recognize how lucky we are. Being of service to others cultivates gratitude and growth.

Pause for positivity: Before blowing up like a tank on your mom and calling her a chihuahua, think before you speak and think about what you’re learning from the experience or encounter you’ve found yourself in. Seeing the positive in the negative and cultivating a mindset of this is happening for me to grow instead of this is happening to me and it sucks - is a gratitude gamechanger.

5 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude