Newsletter Archive: You can't always get what you want, but maybe you get what you need?

Dear Reader, 

As I just sat down to write in one of my favorite coffee shops I was met with a less than pleasant person from the waitstaff. She took my order and proceeded to blast the music when I opened my computer to write. It’s interesting, you know, maintaining presence and not being attached to the idea that I was going to sit and write quietly while sipping on my ice cold frappe. Instead, there’s reggaeton blasting in the speakers directly above my head and even if I change tables, I can’t escape the sound. It’s hard to not be attached to our preferences and what we would like in a moment. I would prefer to write in peace, but maybe God is challenging not only my patience but my creativity? 

Is there a gift in not getting what we want - even if it’s really fucking irritating? 

In the past I wanted a husband and a house, a body free of loose skin and maybe, maybe, even children. For years I waited and worked toward societal norms, while simultaneously questioning my worth and why nothing felt right. I watched friends get married, happily progress in careers and move forward while I struggled with excessive dating and climbing a corporate ladder that I really didn’t want to climb. I would go to the beach and admire toned bodies and soft bodies, regular bodies, round bodies and wondered if my loose skin body would ever be acceptable to anyone. I saw children playing in the park, parents huddled in circles and wondered if I would ever be a part of that life or the Saturday morning playgroup. I couldn’t control getting what I wanted, not to save my life, not to make my life “normal.”

What I realized last weekend in the blaring noise of Mexico City, and in the blaring beats that are ringing in my ears at this very moment, is that Mick Jagger was and is so very right …

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you might find
You get what you need

Can you think of a time in your life where you didn’t get what you wanted but, if you were TRULY honest, you got what you needed? Accepting life’s lessons can be difficult and they can feel never ending, but I try to remember that things don’t happen to us - they happen for us. When I covered Pre-K music class as a substitute teacher, I used to tell the students “You get what you get and you don’t get upset” as I was giving out the instruments during play time. Every single time, the kids had fun and made beautiful music. How can we gracefully adapt to not getting what we want and take it like a 4 year old?

Last weekend I went to Mexico City for a yoga conference. I thought I was going to fall in love with CDMX, eventually take my yoga teacher training there and be enlightened by all of the workshops I went to. On Friday we walked through the center of the city; a dense syrup of pollution, smoke and vibes filled the air - clouds of marijuana and zombie eyes met mine as we walked down the street in one of the city's weed zones. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of people and the pace. By the evening's end, after pastry and a cab ride back to the hotel, I was done. Sick and nauseous, my body turned on me. I went to bed and closed my eyes. The following morning I ended up in the doctor with dangerously low blood pressure, a stomach inflamed with gas and severe constipation. My fantasy weekend was shattered.

But you know what? I got what I needed. I saw a real part of the city, not the pretty Polanco or Condessa, experienced the reality of altitude sickness and realized that I am ok with not living in a big city - confirmation that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

How do we break up with ideas? How do we get over not being the versions of ourselves that we wanted or thought we wanted to be? Can we sit on a beautiful terrace with blaring music, write and find joy without bitching about it? Can we take a trip, have it fail, be full of poop, and still find beauty?

For most of my life I wanted to know what it was like to have a “normal” life and body. But I realized that I’m supposed to be here, in my story. Accepting being single, rebuilding a life and making peace with many parts of it - not stomping my feet because I didn’t get the “norms.” Are houses and kids overrated? I don’t even think that’s it so much as we are all meant to be living different lives because we all need something different. In each of our stories is different lesson from the cosmos and God. Can we be single, happy, free, no longer fertile and also keep living? Can we be in our lives, with kids, the house, the partner, the aging parents and find what we need to learn? Can we be single parents and find our balance and strength? Can we be in our individual life stories without getting the one that we wanted?

The other day after yoga class, I stepped out of the shower and caught sight of my back in the mirror. I saw muscles I’d never seen before. It was frightening and fascinating. I dropped my towel and looked down at my belly, skin loose, stretch marked and a faded tan. I saw the tone underneath my stomach. I thought about how weird bodies are and how weird life can be, but somehow, if we decide to love everything about ourselves and our experiences, we really can enjoy life. What if we all stopped wanting and, instead thought, “Maybe I need this body and these stories?” Can we look at our bodies in the mirror and not see not only a body, but a gift from God, no matter what it looks like? Can we see past ourselves, vanity and what we see in others to find something unique and beautiful? Can we make peace with getting the body we needed?

I think the truth is that we can belong to ourselves; if we can see past not getting what we want. We can live in peace if we see our stories as our actual gift - as what we need. Maybe it’s my faith, or maybe it’s one too many headstands in the last 15 months, but I do suspect I might be on to something.  

Oh, and wouldn’t you know … as soon as I finished writing this - the music stopped.

XO
Tina