On going home: confronting the past + cooking with cottage cheese
Dear Reader,
I’m not sure I thought I’d ever see the day where I’d be 44, in Myrtle Beach, SC and cleaning out my parents' spare bedroom off of the garage. Ok, I never thought I’d see the day. But, alas, here I am standing in the middle of my parents living room in a $4 Target t-shirt that says NYC, even though I no longer live there. Permanently, at least. But a resident as of now.
Note: I am aware that I also look like an overdeveloped 13 year old in this t-shirt.
This t-shirt, and temporarily staying in my parents spare bedroom, is a willing and conscious decision that I made in my life after leaving my apartment in Queens and going to Mexico. And, to think, I’m grateful for the loss of an apartment and my privacy, to gain time and peace in my life.
Do you ever find yourself in a state of gratitude for the strange and unlikely events in your life? Perhaps the ones you also SWORE would never happen? Even for tiny too tight t-shirts? Because I never thought I’d be here.
And, no, I’m not writing this from the cozy twin bed that sleeps my 5’7” brick house, 36 DD frame, but from my parents dining room table. I don’t have a desk and, no, I’m not in my underwear, as I like to be when I’m writing and snacking because, well, shared space. Growing up in Brooklyn, I used to do my homework at the dining room table. The feeling of being here and now is nostalgic, but in a more positive way. In 1993 I would wear headphones as I did school work because there was so much noise in the house between the tv, my brothers and uncles crowding the space or literally breathing over my shoulder. But, today, as I write, I’m looking out into the screen room that overlooks a small lake with ducks and swans. We’re not in Brooklyn any more. I can see my mom and brother peacefully sitting, and between breaks of reading I can hear the muted sound of their voices through the screen door. I can hear my father shuffling in his bedroom, getting ready to shower. I can be here, at the family table, and not want to run away from our story, problems and lives - like I would day dream about in 1993. It’s probably the healthiest mental state I’ve ever been in. I know, believe me, I’m also shocked. What 44 year old woman isn’t bitter for being gray haired, single and needing to live at her parents house for a bit after many life changes, and well, God taking the wheel?
Has a relationship in your life changed with yourself or your family? Have you ever found yourself noticing a change and being surprised by your growth instead of angry that something was happening to you?
Over the last few years I’ve been reflecting on time, instead of money, and how best to use that time while I’m here so that I can be present in my own life and in the lives of people I love. I made a conscious decision to start living a more peaceful life, a life that’s more free, less busy, and calm. Through reflecting, prayer and meditation I’ve found the courage to be that Tina. Not Tina who was a NY’er and a producer. Now I’m Tina who is being humbled by sleeping in a twin sized bed while, daily, watching her father lose his memory. At this moment I am able to sit with hard things (aging parents, a sick parent, a sick brother, no more NY apartment or full time job to use as an escape or mechanism for control) and I do not want to book a one way ticket back to Mexico. This is new for me, wanting to be with my family and not feeling obligated; or visiting out of worry, like I had in the past.
Sitting with my parents has made me realize that I’m grateful for our whole story - including the past and the scary parts now. Not even the power of gratitude, God or love can stop my dad’s dementia - but I am grateful for what I have; for what we have left. I’m grateful to be a witness to his love, his few good days, and to use his bad days as a reminder as to why I’ve chosen the path that I am on. For so long, I only saw the bad, loss, blame, the worry or a future without. Finding time and presence, a sense of gratitude and sticking to that (and tossing the worry out the window) has been transformative in my life. Yes, even when it comes to my father, aging parents and responsibility. Are you often thinking about the future? Anticipating the worst when you’re with someone you love? Can you find it in yourself to love every person and every moment as they are now, not as you wished they were?
It’s been weeks since I’ve written because I’ve been preoccupied with cooking, cleaning and taking care of paperwork for my parents. I do not feel angry or resentful, two emotions I’m sad to say I harbored in the past if I didn’t get my way or didn’t get to what I needed to do on my own timing. The reminders have been constant and true; life is a series of seasons, temporary, and sometimes not all about us and our own progression. These seasons can be about how we serve others and, in that way, we also serve ourselves with learning. Right now, I’m learning how to forgive myself and how to be with my family when we disagree or when I’m still too harsh with my words. How to be with my family in love and not in being right. How to love them and us as we all are. How to take responsibility. This is growth. This also isn’t to say that I don’t want to go back to Mexico, but it is to say that I understand the importance of being here now.
Can you say thank you for whatever it is that you’re facing that is hard - in this moment - and know that if you see the good, stay present and remain grateful (gratitude is something we build and cultivate, it is something we do - not only say or believe) - you will be guided by a force bigger than yourself?
I can’t imagine I’m the only one who wants to work on themselves. You might not be 44, single and sleeping in a twin sized bed at your parents house as a part of “working through it,” but I think you probably can relate. We all have family/relationship/marriage or some sort of excess baggage to take responsibility for.
So, how can we get more grateful, a little closer to God and love - so that we can move on from pain and cultivate more peace and presence in our lives - even when things seem insurmountable and shitty? Some more insight below, and a few recipes because all I’ve been doing is cooking - and feeling grateful for time and the dishwasher.
XO
Tina