Newsletter Archive: 2 years of celibacy, food addiction and fish tostadas!
Dear Reader,
Is it strange to talk about giving away our power, celibacy, sex, food addiction, and God all in one newsletter? Well, if so, this week I am breaking the rules and going for it. Without courage there is no vulnerability, and sometimes we have to remove our armor. Thanks, Brene Brown.
Because of my foot injury, it’s been another week of stillness. Rest gave me time to let my head and my heart catch up. Do you ever give yourself time to let your heart and your head say hi to one another? You know, so you can be vulnerable and honest with yourself? I don’t blame you if your answer is no, the whole process can be liberating and sickening all at once …
For two weeks in a row at yoga class, I received the same haunting Angel Guide Card, entitled “Cut the Cords.” Last Monday, when I received the card, I was kinda pissed off. I thought to myself, “WTF is this card and how many more fucking cords do I have to cut? I’ve been celibate for 2 years. Sexless and with gray hair now. I’ve left my home and donated almost every thing I have ever bought IN MY WHOLE LIFE - with the exception of the clothes in my suitcase, my artwork, some stored winter wears and tax papers. Ok, some cookbooks and dads records. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?”
But in my meditation practice this week, a few things came up. A few areas where I know I have been acting from a place of mental powerlessness. Fuck you, silence, for making me so aware. Fuck you head and heart for joining one another in some sort of fucked up foot pain party to make me realize that despite what I consider to be measurable growth in my life, I have a long way to go …
What came shining through like a beacon of unwanted light were my existing attachments to love, men, a desire for romance and, my long time friend, food. These are my weighty cords. The cords I have not been able to escape some days. And though none of these attachments are what I would now call toxic, my mind is still attached to them. Suddenly, getting the same fucking card again this week made sense. While I’ve released material attachments, and have no desire to even shop anymore, I still have some pretty deep rooted emotional cords. And even if I have not had sex in two years, I really have been sitting with not yet receiving the things that I do want in relation to love. And, apparently being able to eat cake in peace has not absolved me of an ongoing and powerful relationship with food. A relationship that takes up a lot of space in my mind and life.
So, I thought: What if I said, “Tina, love, men, romance, and food no longer have power over you, give your worries to God and fill your life with the joy that is available to you now.”
When we take back our power over something, or over a situation, then it no longer has power over us. When we choose to deliberately move forward, that thing or the things we lord over ourselves can cease to have strength. My mind kept returning to the mural that was inside of my local Queens church “Come to me all and you shall find rest.”
Do you have any longing and lingering thoughts that you’d like to cut ties with? Have you ever experienced this? Have you held onto a story that you’ve told yourself and allowed it to steal your joy - your presence in your day - maybe even in your life?
Embarrassingly, here is an example of a terrible afternoon in my mind:
“Why isn’t he paying attention to me? He used to pay attention to me. Maybe I’m not as attractive as I was a year ago? Maybe it’s been a bad idea to not dye my hair? When will God bring someone into my life anyway? Let me eat something now because if I don’t eat now it’ll be too late when I get in from teaching. You know, Tina, food has been your best friend, lover and companion throughout your whole life. That’s just your story.”
Longings and our words can make us feel weak. They keep us in place and stunt our growth. They stunt our joy and connection to the world outside of ourselves. It’s the fucking ego. The ego longs. The soul surrenders. This is our power.
Is there something you can let go of? A place you feel powerless but want to feel differently?How can you let go and, well, let God? Sometimes the solution to feeling better is simply admitting that we have a problem or a cord to cut to begin with. Then, suddenly, the path begins to work itself out. I’ll let you know how it continues to go.
XO
Tina