Newsletter Archive: On Having Conscious Fun + Turning 44

Dear Reader,

This week, once again, left me hot and sticky. Hot and sticky like a dumpling in a steam basket. On Saturday, doughy and perspiring, I stood in my kitchen cooking in my underwear for the better half of the day. I unwillingly put on clothes (it’s been too hot to think about actually getting dressed) to celebrate my mom’s 74th birthday dinner on video chat. We ate dinner, had dessert and sang happy birthday over the course of two calls. It was virtual and beautiful. After the day’s events came to a close, I was left hot and sticky with a side of tears. While I laid down in my underwear and drifted off to sleep; thoughts fluttered in my mind about time and how much I missed my friends and family. I knew I had some more work to do.

How do we use our time while we’re here on this great, big, beautiful and sometimes frustrating earth? How do we make it worth the ride, wait and wonder? How are we helping or hindering ourselves with our habits, thoughts and allowing our past to inform our present? How can we trust ourselves to meet our own needs?

Sometimes I get caught in reflective spells that whirl and twirl into knots of words that bind in my brain; and this reflection can only be released through writing. I’ve been feeling especially reflective with my upcoming birthday this week and I’ve been taking stock. This reflection is something a very good friend recently told me that she’s enjoying in my weekly newsletter and then said, “Tina, have more fun. Do things and tell yourself they will be fun!” 

I wondered, when was the last time I had some good old fashioned fun that was also not emotionally or spiritually destructive? 

Admittedly, I’d been limiting my fun because Tina Fun Bags drank a little too much, made some poor choices with men and, for the past 693 days, I’d been figuring out what life looks like without excessive everything - including work, dating, drinking, spending, screen time and stuff. Fun has been learning how to do headstands, cooking, writing, teaching, volunteering and cleaning out my closets. And while all of the above has been very cool; fun and laughter are also love and medicine. I was missing them and without the safety of my friends, there’s been a hole.

It’s easy for me to go out alone (or date) and drink to turn back on, but what about having fun through loving myself in this new phase? What about having 1 cocktail and not 5? Or simply doing something I’ve really been wanting to do? Why was I with holding?

Oaxaca City has been hot, and while I have friends I am still developing relationships and deeper friendships. Not to mention, seeing the last man that I slept with (a few times) as I walked down the streets also hadn’t been helping as I confronted my past, head on, in a very tan, tall man with better hair than I will ever have.

The truth is that I had broken my own heart so many times, under the guise of fun, that I’ve been afraid. But how can I let fun in, let alone love, if I hide?

I decided that I needed to get to a pool and cool off, literally and figuratively. One of my favorite past times is taking sun at a pool or on beach. I didn’t pay nearly 30k for high end breast implants and back surgery 15 years ago to hide in the heat while trying to avoid the last man I was intimate with - not because I felt a certain way about him, but because I felt a certain way about myself. A pool I would find and to a pool I would go. Although my friends wouldn’t be there, I would find healthy fun with myself. Baby steps.

I took a dip, a nap, ordered a club sandwich, read, admired the palm trees and plants, and observed the oddities of life. I gave myself the cooling, solo day of of fun that I’d been needing. The mayonnaise on my sandwich, and sunshine combined, made my skin shine with an after sex glow. I felt victorious. Closer to myself and on a path to new fun. In my Sunday observations I noted that pools are pure therapy and chlorinated sugar daddy meet up points that serve delicious club sandwiches. My Narnia.

Realization: I’ve been struggling with “fun” because “fun” changes with age, new habits, and being in another country alone. Rediscovering what fun looks like is going to take more work and trust so I keep moving forward.
Hindsight Lesson: I should have ordered take out tacos on Saturday for mom’s birthday and stayed cool instead of cooking. When will I learn?!
Taking Leaps: after the pool day I thought about how I’ve been keeping myself inside (in my house or a coffee shop - and writing … while I love both and need solitude to write, I want to grow) so I took a moment to research and found 6 Air B & B experience trips to take on my own. Maybe I’ll meet some more likeminded people along the way?

Being a witness to my own behavior, lately, has been overwhelming and educational. 

How can you be a witness to your own batshit behavior and still show up for yourself with fun and love? Do you ever find yourself demanding your time be spent a certain way but you want to say fuck it? Have you evolved past certain behaviors, but you’re still wondering how to have fun and let yourself smile - even if you’re dancing on your own? Are you afraid? If so, why?

I thought I solved this dilemma last week, but it turns out that I didn’t.
We’re all a hot and sticky work in progress.

Maybe 44 will be about learning to trust myself with fun. On Sunday I also flirted with a guy I know who sent me a message on Instagram. In that moment it occurred to me that I am a woman. And I get to make choices that work for me now.

#1: He wants to hang out.
#2: I’m 17 years older than him.
#3: Has anyone seen The Idea of You? Please indulge in your cougar fantasies if you so dare.

More celebrating life, fun and doing so consciously. Or, like a conscious cougar. In ourselves we must trust.
xo
Tina