On shitty days, finding our breath, gratitude and spicy broccoli
Dear Reader,
I have had a completely cranky month. Why am I telling you this? Because if anything could go wrong, come up, feel weird or be delayed - it is and it was. Have you ever gone through a period like this in your life? Even in taking my own Zen advice and that of podcasts, audiobooks and experts, I’m swimming in a sea of crank. I’ve asked the universe what it’s trying to teach me, and I’ve asked God too.
The reality is that there is no answer or logic, in the moment, to our delays, pain, grief, fear and shit going wrong or haywire. Our job is to roll with it, and I hope you’re not feeling as shitty as I am but if you are, I’m with you in shitty solidarity. I’m trying to embrace my “I feel shitty moments” and not cover them up while also not losing my shit. It’s a delicate balance.
In a city of nearly 9 million people peace and quiet has been hard to find. In a body low on estrogen, my calm temperament has been tested. In a family full of pain, right now, my mind races. And, as I sip my $7.34 mediocre mocha at a loud coffee shop full of parents, babies, strollers and people watching videos on their phone without headphones; I am choosing to not scream and delaying the desire to punch someone in the face. It’s a delicate balance.
Over the blaring sound of wailing babies and TikTok video audio bites, I can hear the words of every yoga teacher, in every yoga class I’ve ever taken, saying, “You can always come back to your breath.”
As we enter in to shorter days with less light, and the season of thanksgiving and gratitude, I’m going back to my breath and lists. WHY? BECAUSE I LOVE A FUCKING LIST. Lingering control issues? Maybe? Know thyself.
THANK YOU
For the consecutive days in a smelly and overcrowded NYC that have been sunny and without rain. Thank you, God, for not peeing on us or me, when life has been doing that enough.
For multiple Fall trips with friends, Rice Krispie treat making, the Aurora Borealis sighting with my two best buddies from a Queens balcony. Thank you, God, for friends, Snap, Crackle, Pop, the stars and cosmos.
For 547.5 days of yoga practice, even though my body feels like it’s been inhabited by demons. Thank you, God, for the good fight and the ability to rise, breathe and move.
For Halloween having a new meaning; where there was once the death of my Uncle Anthony, there is now Frankie and sharing a Reese’s Pieces. Thank you, God, for kids, chocolate and holding hands.
For friends who are aware of my so-called “crankiness” and whisk me away to do yoga in nature. Thank you, God, for unexpected unions, friendships, life changes, deep love, respect and quiche.
For deep conversations, wine and Greek food. Thank you, God, for friends who know my heart and, of course, for olive oil.
For pizza Friday’s, wine and dating advice with Laura. Thank you, God, for the many families I have gotten to be a part of and for Laura’s reminders “If he’s not committing, tell him to go to hell!”
For trauma, without you I would not have a story to tell. Thank you, God, for my ability to write and a wide waistline at age 18 - all to be memorialized in publication.
For I love you’s from my mom, dad, aunts and my uncle. Thank you, God, for family, memories and love.
For vapid TV, Netflix and mind-numbing. Thank you, God, for a release since I am no longer dating or having sex.
What are you grateful for? Will a list take away the delays, or pain in our hearts and bodies? Does it change a situation or make anything happen faster? Can it remove the range of emotions we feel? Can it make people you love suffer less? Can it remove all of the shit off of your plate?
No. A gratitude list absolutely does not and cannot do the above, but it is a reminder of the goodness that surrounds us in spite of pain, grief, longings and feeling lost. It is a mindful practice. If I breathe and make a list, I can ground myself in the present or close my eyes and go back to a calmer moment in time. Even if I can’t stay there, the list is proof of the beauty in the pain. And, as my friend Julie and I discussed in the car the other day, doing this is a lifelong “practice.” Which means it takes practice, I know, gross. It is also what her sister Jane and I have talked about as “work.” I know, work, gross.
Good news (sarcasm)! The holidays will promise to bring more challenges, emotions, stress and things to do - on top of already wavering emotions, crankiness and our pre-existing pain, delays and problems! So let’s get our shit together now, shall we? Let us commit before we are committed!
Grab your pen and paper, perspective, practice, work at it and get moving! But right now, I’m gonna do laundry watch Gossip Girl. I already made my list, now start yours!
With love,
Tina
XOXOX