Hormones, Wide Leg Jeans and Shining Your Heart Forward

This week I finally leapt into 2024 fashion and purchased wide leg jeans because my thick thighs have rubbed out my skinny ones. Congratulations, thighs! You did it! You two are a force of nature, I tell ya! I also couldn’t more highly recommend GAP Factory high rise wide leg jeans. The fit is perfect for those of us with an ample bum and meaty top thighs. Try ‘em. You may like ‘em.

And, here I am smiling. I was smiling because it was a sunny, early spring day in the Hudson Valley and I was out with my best friend. We were on our way to lunch and, after, a psychic reading. I mean, what was there not to smile about? But the truth was that all I had been thinking about for the last few weeks (and on and off for months) was how my body suddenly did not feel like my own - nor did my brain. My stomach popped and has been popping for months now. Moodier but managing. I felt exhausted from not sleeping, and my period arrived quite early this month and, along with it, a 6 lb. bump up in the scale. My loose skin expanded and stretch marks re-stretched. Unseen under said wide leg jeans.

I breathed. I wrote. I hydrated. I yoga’d. I juiced. I ate well. I did all of the things I normally do, but could not kick this feeling of everything about my body and mind feeling foreign. I laid in shavasana 2 times this week thinking about how I wanted all of my lady parts removed. “What’s the point? A baby isn’t to be in my lifetime anyway.” The hormone fluctuations, heat, bloat and pain - a constant reminder of something I wasn’t sure that I ever even wanted.

Being a woman isn’t easy. We have these bodies that are beautifully capable and also complex. Many of us often have layered relationships with our bodies based on personal experience and the media. And, if you ever feel like your body and brain do not belong to you - I see you and I understand. There’s something about the 40’s that are liberating and complicated. I’ve boiled this time down to raging hormones, a delicate balance of life and responsibility; all of which live alongside the recognition that people we love are getting closer to the end of their life - while time might be passing for us to carry life. It’s a lot. I know. In wide leg jeans, yea.

For 75 minutes on Saturday morning, my mind did a tango with Teacher Nicole’s “Everything is temporary.“ Our body is especially temporary, how it looks and feels - as well as the thoughts we have about it.

But how much do we let those temporary thoughts take over and how often?

“We are souls.” I could hear my Deepak Chopra podcast replaying in my mind as I panted in malasana; my lower belly smushed against my upper thighs as I felt sweat drip inside of my ear from my hairline. “FUCK THIS BLOAT, DEEPAK! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW? A SOUL?! I’M A SWEATING HORMONE!” I exclaimed these phrases to myself, in vehement anger, when asked to hollow out my belly and fly into crow pose. Fly? If I suddenly moved I might fall and fart. Before I knew it, attempts to take flight were over and I was scattered in a sea of 30 anjaneyasanas. 30 beautiful low crescent lunges in different shapes and sizes.

Then my teacher said, “Cactus your arms, bend your back and shine from your heart. Lift your chest and shine your heart forward.”

I fucking started crying.
Every pose is an offering.

But I forgot ALL OF THIS by the time I took the above picture. My teacher said “ […] shine from your heart. Lift your chest and shine your heart forward,” a mere 2 hours before this very photo was taken. That’s how temporary the mind and a positive thought can be. The mind can take us for a ride through a fucked up fun house. A thought might last a moment, days, a month, or even years. If we let it …

I wish I could say that I had a solution for you when it comes to Perimenopause, Menopause, PMS, emotional eating - whatever it is you confront in the wicked mind games played between your mind and body. When we don’t feel like ourselves, it’s a challenge to stay committed; even to things that bring us joy. It’s work to remember that all things pass and are temporary. And you know what, sometimes you can do all of the “right” things and still feel like poop on a platter (in wide leg jeans). But, please, keep on going. Tu puedes. You can.

I’m shining my heart forward, for you, in wide leg jeans, and asking you to be kind to yourself. I’m gonna try and do the same.