Walking Toward Self-Love
Self-love and self-care are words we have heard a lot lately, right? Especially over the last few years and throughout the pandemic when our lives changed so very much; housebound, in ruts, on top of one another or completely isolated if you were without family. But what do these words really mean anyway? What do these words mean to me and to you in the context of our individual everyday life that moves, bends, shakes and stirs in 90 directions all at the same time and in different ways? On the giant adult slip and slide of life it’s hard to not take a fall, forget, put off a much needed pause or to stop when we are struggling to stand. But self-love is knowing who we are on a deeper level, it grounds us and gives us the ability to think and understand where we fit into a situation or a role as our most authentic self. Self-care is action oriented self-love that can be seen or felt in simple daily responses and mindset shifts that bring little tenderoni moments into your life. Because you love and know yourself, you care for yourself in a certain way. I think of self-care as the accumulation of small, realistic habits that ground me when the going gets tough.
I spent the last two years working to understand my anxiety, control and stand-offs with what I now know was depression. Understanding that I lacked self-love (and self-respect) created a lot of inner sadness for me. It was learning to understand my why’s, the peeling back of myself, understanding old behaviors, and re-learning how to become the woman I want to be in this world that changed me. It’s where I found a voice and self-love. Looking inside and figuring out our true needs is hard work, but it’s work that leads to a new level of participating in life and not just in our own life; but it reshapes how we interact with with world too.
According to Merriam Webster, self-love is defined as an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue; while self-care is defined as care for oneself.
Getting to know ourselves and appreciating ourselves is difficult, we carry a lot of baggage. Loving, forgiving and accepting ourselves and then putting our needs ahead of those around us can feel selfish, indulgent or guilt producing. I know putting the needs of the self was not what I was taught to do as a child or young woman. It’s not what I saw as examples in the women around me. Yes, women filled with love and a love they gave away to serve - beautiful and depleting. But when we tend to our own needs and deepest desires, we give something very precious to ourselves - something that cannot be taken away because we are rooted in our own love. A fight with a partner, child, friend, work shit show or otherwise may momentarily sting, but if you have this grounded love - then you can always come back to yourself. Have this baseline allows for an exceedingly greater ability to more widely spread your gifts and what you have to others because you’re aware of what that is and you have the energy to do it. Arriving at work, life, family, friendships and intimate relationships from a place of inner fullness creates more peace, patience, less snapping, resentment and pain in our lives. Think of a life without controlling any of those things? Think about what you might be able to do today to get to know yourself better? To appreciate yourself and what’s really inside of your heart; not what you just show the world.
Here are a few ways you can start walking toward self-love and creating a loving relationship with yourself. We all have habits to work on, so I listed here the 5 that have been the most groundbreaking for me in my journey toward self-love. As I wrote this I really thought about how these habits held me back and kept me small and how do we find love for ourselves and pure love for others if we feel small?
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Comparison is the death (or thief) of joy. When we look at others and put them on a pedastal or elevate them to hero status, we’re only making ourselves feel inadequate. Try, instead, to see others as human, flawed and also in their own state of growing so you’re not stopping yourself from excelling. Nothing positive comes from comparisons, if anything they only keep us in place. Accept where you are, find your own strength, story and poise and grow from there.
Have More Compassion: Forgive and accept yourself as you are, past and present. Easier said than done. We often limit the love we show to ourselves because of something deeper we feel we’ve done, inherited or experienced; and from this place we self-destruct. Loving more deeply comes from a place of forgiveness. Start with yourself and then you’ll be able to share that compassion and forgiveness with others.
Set Boundaries: Most of us have been taught to make others happy before we do so for ourselves, but womp womp, they’re wrong. There’s room for balance and balance creates boundaries. I’m not saying do not volunteer or babysit your best friend's child, but it’s ok to say you’ll do it after you’ve done something you need to do for you - without feeling guilty about it. Boundaries are necessary because when we don’t have them we struggle to feel good, to stay afloat for our own needs and show up for ourselves.
Develop the Attitude of Gratitude: Say thanks for the small stuff, over and over and over again. The small stuff is actually the big stuff. And when we recognize how incredibly grateful we are to have food, homes, work, access to clean water and these basic human needs that others lack - love builds in our hearts. When we’re satisfied with what we have, full and understand how truly lucky we are - we can serve with greater love also.
Date Yourself: Even if you’re married, dating someone or single - take yourself on dates, dinners, trips, experiences and indulge in moments where YOU have given yourself moments to remember and treasure. You won’t regret it. Only when you treat yourself like gold do you realize how you actually deserve to be treated. This was the biggest lesson for me in self-love.
Getting to know myself for Tina was like peeling back an onion, layer on layer I realized what was a learned way of being and a socialized habit vs what I really wanted for me. What and how I really wanted to feel from life. Time alone, developing a sense of security in my own presence and standing up for the life I wanted were all acts of loving myself; or learning to.
So, now that you’re working on self-love, here are some actions to support the process because if you can’t take the time to show yourself what you're worth, who will? And we’ll talk a little bit more about self-care later on. The two work hand in hand. I look at the below as small actions of loving the self, where as self-care is daily actions that root you into this state of being. While you experiment with these 10 actions, feel love or think about the love you have for yourself in each moment.
Write yourself a love letter.
Buy yourself flowers, extravagant or simple, go with how you feel and what calls to you
Give yourself a big old hug, research shows we need 12 a day for growth (I do an arm cross every morning when I wake up because I can do from days to weeks without a hug).
Take yourself out for an experience, only you, and be with yourself in confidence and grace.
Enjoy a slow meal at home, stopping while you eat, savoring the food and the moment while sitting at a pretty table.
Allow someone to help you when it is offered. Say yes to help as an act of loving yourself.
Move your body for you, not to be sexy for someone else or to change its shape and alter its appearance - but for the motion and the release of what’s inside of you. Find that sway, oh hai. Feel embodied in your body, with love.
While at home give yourself a manicure, pedicure, foot soak - something that makes you feel good inside and grounded in your space.
Sit in quiet with a book you’ve been wanting to read or a book of poems and absorb words and stories of love.
Take a long look in the mirror and say, I love you for all of you.
It may feel strange at first, but enjoy the process of learning to love and accept yourself. It may be new because this is different from the love you’ve shared with a partner or child. This is a unique loving experience, one that’s based on how you feel about yourself when all is said and done.
In this process you validate you, no one else. Be your own guarantee of love.