Farewell 2023
As we end 2023 in a few short days, I can’t help but think about what my heart holds for 2024. What does your heart hold? There’s gotta be something there. Don’t lie. Don’t be scared. I try very hard to remember that I can change anything I want, at any time in my life. Call me crazy but I do not believe that it’s ever too late or impossible to embrace our lives and change. Even if it means living on your savings account for a while … or, as I like to say, because it’s way more prosperous, even if means investing in yourself for a while …
If you don’t like where you are, close your eyes and imagine where you’d like to be.
Is there one change you’d like to make this upcoming new year? Would you like to have more time to pursue your creativity? Want a new job or care to embark on a new career path? Thinking about how lovely it might be to learn a new language? Do you want to repair a relationship that’s felt strained or uneasy? Maybe you’ve been delaying a trip or vacation that would finally spark your curiosity? Life can feel short or, much the opposite, perfectly timed, if we’re living in service of doing the things we truly want while we are here.
Action = progress regardless of our circumstances. Taking action means that we are willing to invest in ourselves. It’s a simple concept but one that’s so hard to master because we humans love telling ourselves no and living within limits.
Over the last few weeks I went ahead and read some of my older journals. There were daily entries about wanting to write, teach, live abroad and create something. Admittedly, there was a lot of inaction outside of my journal. I showed up to work, repeating the same daily patterns over and over again, because it was my life, without considering what it might look or feel like to take honest steps toward writing more and creating. Sorta like my online dating antics, a lot of inaction outside of swiping and sleeping with men for validation. What kind of true love was that going to get me? But that’s a different blog post. Stay tuned for my not so sultry, kinda sad, single woman realizations. I’m sure you can’t wait to receive that piece of writing.
Listen, action = progress regardless of our circumstances because taking action means that we are willing to invest in ourselves. It’s a simple concept but one that’s so hard to master because we humans love telling ourselves no and living within limits. Writing and sharing made and still makes me feel vulnerable. Creating and thinking big made and still makes me feel silly. Teaching and helping others always felt right, but I told myself I could never make money helping people. So why don’t we leap into our own great unknown and make the changes we want in our lives? Why do we point fingers and blame others instead of holding ourselves accountable for the state of our life? Because owning our own stories and terrible thoughts is downright treacherous. Read on …
But when we numb, we stop feeling and, in my experience, when we stop feeling we bury ourselves, our lives and our precious story.
We all have a story that we’ve told ourselves time and time again. What’s your story? Mine usually started with “I can’t, I don’t deserve it, I’m fat, I’m weak, I don’t have the time, I’m not good enough, No one will ever love you. You’re a terrible writer. You are not special.” YIKES. And these statements often ended with numbing (insert food, tv, wine, weed, working too much, social media scrolling, pick your poison) and repeating the same daily habits and words day in and day out. I’ve danced with all of these ways of numbing and still have tiny tangos from time to time with a few of them. Oh to be a human being. But when we numb, we stop feeling and, in my experience, when we stop feeling we bury ourselves, our lives and our precious story. From literal stuff (think not being able to leave the house without buying something, accumulating drawers of crap and unorganized papers or closets exploding with too much clothing but “you’ve got nothing to wear!”), to mental baggage (I have to stay in this job because it’s all I know how to do, and if I change jobs and do something new I will end up homeless). Life starts to feel very heavy and inescapable when we spin ourselves right round in our minds. But we’re all one decision away from a change. A single, small, change. A walk. A conversation. A prayer. An utterance of “help.” And, no, I’m not suggesting that you move to Mexico and upend your life because “a voice” whispered to you in the middle of the night, at 3am, while you were stone cold sober, alone in a hotel room bed. But, hey, if “a voice” whispered to you in the middle of the night, at 3am, and you do want to take off - I fully support you. Also, if “a voice” came to you in a hotel room I definitely wanna swap stories.
For many years I was numb, so numb I didn’t know what I wanted for my life, so I chased men and work because that’s where I felt I could control the outcome. But that control was actually fear and that stillness actually felt like walking around in a wet bathing suit all day at Dorney Park and WildWater Kingdom - thighs chafing, incredibly uncomfortable, anxious and on the brink of a fiery infection. Coincidently, making changes can feel equally uncomfortable. Damn you uncertainty.
As it turns out, my worst fear wasn’t my worst fear. Ending up homeless or, worse, having to move in with my parents in my 40’s if I tried to create the life I wanted, wasn’t my worst fear at all. My worst fear was staying still and actively choosing unhappiness and mediocrity because I was scared. My worst fear was not doing what my journals and the calls of my heart asked me to do. To write. Even if it’s shitty. To teach. Even if it’s to a room of 2 students. To do. Even I had no solid plan.
It took approximately 10,000 baby steps over the course of 7 long years, reminders that I was not crazy for exploring new paths that didn’t look like those of others; along with various leaps and failures to get the courage to stay in Mexico and pursue my heart. Which, for all intensive purposes, is still settling into itself and finding it’s strength. But, in my final act of bravery, instead of choosing to be sad and buying another tube of expensive red lipstick because “I deserved it”; I chose to stop waiting for my life to begin. And I also started choosing drugstore red lipstick. It’s way more affordable and there are shockingly good quality drugstore reds out there.
For many years I was numb, so numb I didn’t know what I wanted for my life, so I chased men and work because that’s where I felt I could control the outcome. But that control was actually fear and that stillness actually felt like walking around in a wet bathing suit all day at Dorney Park and WildWater Kingdom - thighs chafing, incredibly uncomfortable, anxious and on the brink of a fiery infection. Coincidently, making changes can feel equally uncomfortable. Damn you uncertainty. But it’s where I’ve found the grace, or been given the grace, to continue moving forward in a new direction. What led to the change? I looked in the mirror and no longer recognized myself. And … there’s more …
His Arthur Murray vinyls lined shelves in our Brooklyn apartment, collecting dust and, now, they linger in his long term memory. During a visit, when I asked him to do his physical therapy, he said “I don’t want to do those exercises, but can I dance?” Cue the tears of this clown. Without his story I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have my story. He’s been my reason for much of my life. Now, because of him, I realize I not only want to imagine more. I need to.
In 2020 my father was diagnosed with dementia. When he came to the United States he went to school, started working and never graduated from high school. His whole life, he dreamed of being a dance instructor. He met my mom, chased love and started a family. He had a pizzeria that he eventually sold when my brother was diagnosed with RA and he then began truck driving. His Arthur Murray vinyls lined shelves in our Brooklyn apartment, collecting dust and, now, they linger in his long term memory. During a visit, when I asked him to do his physical therapy, he said “I don’t want to do those exercises, but can I dance?” Cue the tears of this clown. Without his and my mom’s love story I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have my story. Now, because of him, I realize I not only want to imagine more. I need to imagine more. Even if I am scared.
If you don’t like where you are, close your eyes and imagine where you’d like to be.
Can you close your eyes and imagine where you’d like to be?
What’s stopping you from doing what you want?
What’s an old story that you’re ready to let go of?
What are you here for? Who are you here for?
Answering these questions is hard work and they’re supposed to be hard. Be honest and write until you're ready to make 1 small change. Unless it will hurt someone, then PLEASE DON’T DO IT!! Forget I said anything. Although writing down what you’re angry about is a really good starting point for change too.
Thanks for dancing out of 2023 with me.
Let’s keep one another inspired and honest about how we want to show up in the world.