Newsletter Archive: Never Say Never

Dear Reader,

Bodies and minds are strange. Aren’t they? We have them our whole lives yet it seems it can take a lifetime to become familiar with them because they have a peculiar way of overshadowing our heart. Our real center for progress.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how important it is to do hard things. Especially things that we’re scared of. But, at this point, I know that we find growth in the space between “I will never” and “I am going to do this.” Discomfort is a sign of growth and if I kept saying never, I wouldn’t have experienced the gratification and learning that has come with yoga and eating cake in peace.

My morning mental workout before I show up to the world everyday means that I’m often writing and doing things, alone, in my underwear. Why? I hate anything that binds or holds me in, especially clothing and, now, life choices also fall into that category. Anything that restricts me and my freedom to work, eat, live and be present is no longer for me. But I used to be all about restriction and validation; a life of control, enjoying little or being excessive. 

Being a human isn’t easy. Gender aside - single, married, divorced or widowed - we’re all meeting on the common ground of life and love. We don’t talk often enough about our internal struggles and our fears; even if they're as basic as eating cake. We’re told to appear like we’ve got it together and hide how we feel - drink, eat, sex, drug, shop or spend shame away - and move on. It’s a vicious cycle and the truth may be messy, like these newsletters, but the clean-up is eventually worth it.

For a long time I resented my family, my story and my body. This resentment caused me to make many limiting life choices. Even after losing 160 pounds, I would continue to make choices that kept me in a space of being small. Why? The weight was the least of my problems; it was the mental patterns I continued to reproduce that created all of my “I will never” statements. It was my closed heart. I will never get rid of this loose skin. I will never be thin. I will never like my body. I will never be able to eat and feel free. I will never enjoy cake. I will never fall in love. I will never leave New York. I will never have a job where I make a difference.

These statements caused me to continue having an erratic relationship with food and binging, to never pursue movement beyond walking, to have sex for validation and approval of my body (spoiler, it never worked), and to remain controlling many parts of my life and career. My statements of “I will never” were an indication of not having self-worth or trusting myself. So, without self-worth and trust, how would I have the confidence to make any changes? How would I get to the point of “I am going to do this”? 

My thoughts were disconnected. My language was atrocious. I stepped into my first yoga class, on a whim, and finally understood how my mind was creating the life I did not want to live. How my heart had been so closed and conditioned to hurt. I went to class and fell down every day for months on end. I cried. I still cry and I still fall down. I also still show up. My teacher shared weekly mantras, the philosophy of yoga, and asked us to think beyond the physical practice. And so began a journey of examining my mind and heart - taking responsibility for my actions instead of holding on to resentment and saying “I will never.” There have been many things I have had to forgive myself for, and the list continued in my journal this morning.

Do you say never more often than “I am going to do this”? Is there something you want to forgive yourself for? Can you find it within yourself to think about what that is and what it would feel like to let it go? What would it look like to leave behind 1 never and go for it? 

Now my list reads … I appreciate my loose skin, it’s my story. I am healthy. I love my body for what she can do. I eat with awareness and eating is fun. I enjoy cake when I want it. I know love is possible. I can live wherever I want because home is inside of my heart. I make a difference in the lives of others everyday by being myself.

Put on your underwear and exhale. You’ll think better without a waistband. The belly is our second brain, so don’t suck it in. And, if you’ve been wanting to work on something, maybe this is your sign?

Maybe you can sit with a piece of cake and eat it from a place of love instead of “I shouldn’t” or “this is bad”? (in your underwear, of course) Maybe you will sign up for that new class and go back again, and again, until you realize that you belong there? Maybe you will finally look in the mirror and say “I’m sorry”? Maybe you’ll start your journey to freeing your mind and heart by donating some of your stuff? Maybe you have a journal and it’s waiting to be filled with words?

Sending love, confidence, trust, cake and kindness. Allow yourself to do the unexpected. You might just surprise yourself.

XO

Tina

PS: I wrote this in my underwear.